10 ways to support a friend whose child is autistic

What us parents need from those who are closest to us

I know from first-hand experience that the adjustments you make to try and make life better for your autistic child can leave you feeling quite isolated.

You’re not always able to attend the social occasions you took for granted you would go to as a family as you know it can be too overwhelming, and you start to see those close to you less often than you’d like. You can’t just get a babysitter (if only we could.)

You feel overwhelmed trying to learn more about autism, what works for your child, and how to reduce meltdowns, whilst also fighting to get them the support they deserve. Often this is all on top of a severe lack of sleep.

Which means you forget to reply to a message or two. You miss a friend’s birthday. Then you cancel going to a family get-together at the last minute because it’s been a tough day and you don’t think your child will cope.

Our kids don’t go to the same schools as those of our friends’ children like we thought they would. They don’t go to the same after-school activities or clubs. Those summer holidays we thought we’d spend together with all our friends and family just aren’t practical anymore. Going abroad for a week just isn’t an option.

Gradually, over time, we can start to drift apart. At a time when we need that support and friendship the most.

Sometimes we can feel resentful about that, that our friends should have made more of an effort. Other times we blame ourselves for being such a bad friend. We don’t know how to talk about it with them as we don’t want them to feel sorry for us or guilty, so we avoid it.

Now, as we all get older there are going to be some friends we will lose along the way. But in my experience, often our friends and family just don’t know what to say, and take our lack of contact as a sign that we’re fine, or that they’re not needed. They carry on with their own lives and suddenly weeks and months go by without any contact.

Which is the last thing we want, and I’m sure the last thing our friends want too. So, I’ve written this in the hope of changing that. I know how tricky these conversations can be as we don’t want to upset anyone, but maybe reading or sharing an article like this might help.

Here are ten ways that you can change that and be a great friend to us parents instead.

**I write through the lens of a dad of two autistic boys, but these thoughts can also apply to any parent of a child with a disability or additional needs

1. Reach out.

I get it. I never replied to your last message two weeks ago, and I never rang you back when I said I would. But please don’t stop trying. My head is a mess right now trying to understand how best to help my child. How to reduce their meltdowns, how to encourage them to eat something that’s not beige and full of carbs. How to find ways for us to communicate, and get my son to say their first word after 5 years of trying.

I’m also running on 4 hours of sleep a night, have a big meeting with school tomorrow, and when you called I was sitting next to my son, who hates it when I talk on the phone.

In amongst all that, getting back to you slipped my mind. I want to hear from you, I want to know what’s going on in your life, I want to see you, but right now I’m desperately treading water and trying not to drown.

Please don’t stop contacting me. When I can, I’ll reply. I need you.

2. Listen.

One of the things that many other parents tell me is that they just need someone to listen to them. To really listen. To give them a safe space to offload without any judgment. Without their friend (although usually with good intentions) saying things like “Oh all kids do that.” Or “Don’t worry, I’m sure he’ll grow out of it.”

You might think by doing so you’re helping us not to worry, and things will get better in the future. But instead, it feels like you are downplaying some of the many struggles that we’re experiencing right now.

Even worse, sometimes it can turn to criticism. “You need to be firmer with them.” “You shouldn’t give in to them.” “Every time he gets into your bed just take him straight back to his bed, that’s what worked for me.”

We don’t need to feel any worse about our parenting than we already do. Trust me, there’s no bigger critic of our own parenting skills than ourselves. We need reassurance that we’re doing the best we can.

Listen to us. Acknowledge what we’re struggling with. Be that shoulder to cry on if we need it.

3. Believe us.

Over the years there’s going to be plenty of people that we need to go into battle with to advocate for our child. Schools, teachers, social workers, paediatricians, therapists, councils and government departments. People who are going to question everything we tell them and make us fight to get the support that our child deserves.

We don’t need or expect to have that same battle with those who are close to us. When we tell you about some of the harder times, some of the struggles and worries that we’re having, just believe us the first time. Again, this can often be with good intentions, hoping to make us feel better, but please don’t minimise whatever we share with you. Believe us.

4. Learn about autism

Do some of your own research. Learn about autism and what it can mean. Even just the basics. It shows us that you care.

We can fill in the gaps when it comes to what autism means for our own child, but remember, often we’re learning most of this as we go along too. Especially in the early years. So it would be great if you came on this learning journey alongside us.

Watch a documentary. Read a book. Follow some social media pages. Try to avoid going down the magic cure/therapy routes on Google. It will really mean a lot to us.

5. Talk to your own child about autism

One of our biggest worries is how our kids will be treated by the outside world. By other children at nursery and school. Will they be teased and bullied? Will they ever make a friend?

The way you can help with that is by teaching your own children about autism, neurodiversity and difference. Help them to be more accepting and understanding. Help us feel secure that when we do spend time together your children will do their best to make our child feel welcome.

There are many resources out there that can help with this. Books aimed at children, TV shows, cartoon episodes, and even YouTube videos.

Help us feel secure that our child will be accepted and loved.

6. Get to know our child

As I said in the beginning, the likelihood is we’re going to miss out on a lot of social occasions. A lot of the times when you’d have spent time with my child and got to know them. Let’s see if we can do something about that.

Come and visit us. Our home is often our safe place, where our child feels the most relaxed. And if they’re relaxed, we’ll be much more relaxed too. We’d love to come and spend time at your house, but we know that might be an anxious and stressful experience all around. One where we are on edge throughout, as our child struggles to adapt to a new environment. One where we’re worried about what damage might be done to your home, so we’re chasing around, helicopter parenting the whole time.

Get to know our kids and what they like and dislike. It might take time to create that bond, but believe me it will be so worth it.

7. Keep inviting us

I know. We missed the last two kids’ birthday parties. I never made it to your birthday dinner having promised I would, and when we did meet up for a coffee I had to go after 20 minutes. I’d love to come to all of these events. Years ago, when I imagined what my life would be like I always assumed I would go to them all. And I’d be able to bring my child to any family-friendly event too. But life hasn’t quite worked out like that. For now…

Speaking as a dad with 15 years of experience, there’s been periods during that time when I’ve been to quite a few social occasions, and periods where I’ve not been able to go to any. Things are continuously changing.

Just because my son can’t cope going to a birthday party at 4, doesn’t mean he won’t be able to cope when he’s 8. Just because I missed that dinner with all of our mates, doesn’t mean I won’t be able to go to the next one in three months’ time. And just because we couldn’t go to that Christmas party with 60 people there, doesn’t mean we can’t come to your house when there’s only 8.

Keep inviting us. Let us know that we’re still important, still wanted and that the option is there if we ever can make it

8. Make your home a safe space

If we’re coming to visit you, ask if there’s anything you can do to help make our child more comfortable in your home. Maybe there’s a room that can be their safe space, where they can retreat to if they need to regulate after too much social stimulation. Maybe you can check what food our child will eat, especially if they have a limited diet and a few safe foods.

We’re likely to be on high alert throughout the visit, trying to make everything go smoothly, so be patient with us. We also might have to leave early as we can sense that a meltdown is on the way or we’re getting close to our limits. Please don’t take it personally.

A half-hour visit that ends happily, and is a positive experience is much better than a two-hour visit that ends in a meltdown.

9. Ask how you can help

Often, we’re too shy or embarrassed to ask for help. We feel like we’re the ones who have to do everything for our kids, and asking for help is a sign that we’re failing. That we can’t do it all.

We need a break, some respite, just like all parents do, but we’re too scared to leave our kids with anyone else. See if we’re open to it. If you can babysit for a while. Maybe to begin with we stay in the house and go for a lie down. Maybe we go for a walk, or a coffee nearby. Helping us realise we need some time for ourselves is important.

If childcare isn’t an option, maybe it’s turning up with a takeaway. A home-cooked meal. Or an offer to help us catch up on the laundry.

I know that often our friends are desperate to help us but don’t know how, or don’t want to be seen as intruding. Ask us. If we say we’re ok, ask us again another time. We’ll appreciate the offer either way.

10. Be there for us

The last one is simple. Be there for us. Just be a good friend.

I can go months and months without talking to or seeing some of my best friends, but I know whenever I need them they’ll be there. If I pick up the phone it will be like we spoke yesterday. When we meet up they’ll happily talk about all things autism, or they’ll talk about everything else but autism and being a parent. They’ll do whatever I need at that time. Just like I would, and do, for them.

Friends aren’t only there when everything in life is running smoothly, and full of happiness and fun. They’re with you in the more challenging, difficult, and confusing times as well. Just be there.

This post was written with a combination of personal experience, and the shared experiences of the many many parents I’ve spoken to within our community over the years. I hope this post can help some of you come closer together again. Share it with a friend to help start a conversation and let them know what you need ❤️