It's been a while

Somehow it's been two years since my last post, and I'm starting again...

It’s been a while.

I’ve opened this page so many times over the last couple of years, ready to write… and then closed it again. I had plenty I wanted to say, but I froze. I built up this pressure in my head of finding the perfect way to restart. The perfect post. I procrastinated (I’m good at that) delayed, and more weeks and months passed by. At some point it became this huge psychological barrier in my mind, and it started to feel weird coming back. As if me not writing on here meant I’d failed somehow.

But honestly, I’ve missed writing on here. I’ve missed having a space to write longer posts, get out what’s going on in my head, and answer more deeply some of the questions I get.

And life has been full-on. Since I last posted, a lot has happened.

At the end of 2023 I started SAA Clothing. I thought it would be a nice little side project, and it turned into something that took over my brain (and my life). It took off quickly, our launch month was unbelievably busy. Within 2 months that online from home business became a physical shop, a place for our community to gather and chat. We added a sensory room in our shop for kids to hang out, where they could relax and just be themselves, leaving their parents to breathe a little. I took on staff (all who are carers or neurodivergent) worked long days and late nights. It became campaigns, partnerships with other businesses, and events too.

Last year we put on 3 SEND Fest events, hiring venues for the day, so families like ours could get together and have fun. Each one has been truly special, and we’ve got 4 more on the books for the year ahead already.

Then, at the end of 2024, I signed a book deal. Something I’d been dreaming about for a long time, wondering if somehow one day I’d be able to tell the story of me, Tommy and Jude and turn it into a book. This meant that last year, I spent a lot of time locked away in my office, busy trying to crash out as many words as I could each day. And I’ll be honest, it took a lot more out of me than I thought it would.

A lot of the chapters meant looking back into some of the darker times we’ve had. Reliving it. Putting myself back there in order to describe it correctly, and do it justice. I found myself getting lost in the past, and having to deal with a lot of emotions it brought up each day. So, for large parts of last year, writing the book wasn’t quite the fun experience I’d hoped it would be. Then writing more words on here on top of that? That felt even harder. So I delayed restarting. Again

And in the middle of all of it, I was caring for my dad, and life got harder once more. His care needs increased and increased, becoming more and more dependent on me, and then he passed away in October.

The months since then have been incredibly tough. It was sudden, and it’s left a huge hole in my life. Not only for the person he was and the relationship we had, but suddenly all that responsibility has gone too. All of that day to day care. With my mum' being well looked after in her care home, for the first time in 7 years I don’t have to think about the care needs of my parents, and that’s been quite the adjustment. A lot for me to get my head around.

Of course, through all of it, Jude and Tommy have kept me busy. Being their Dad. Meeting their care needs each day, managing anxiety, routines, school, appointments, and all the admin. Running SAA Clothing, Stories About Autism, and working towards my upcoming book launch.

Some days I feel like I wish I had more space, to stop, to grieve, to let it all out. On others, I’m grateful for being busy. I’m too scared to stop for a second and face all of the emotions I know are under the surface.

But I also know, that since I finished writing the book, I’ve missed having somewhere to write freely. To write longer pieces than fit into an Instagram caption. I want this space back.

So this is me starting again.

I’m going to post on here at least once a week, and I’m going to read every post as an audio version too, because I know how hard it can be for some of us to sit down and find the space to read, or even quieten our mind.

If you’re new here, welcome. If you’ve been here a while… thank you for still being here.

And if you feel like replying, I’d love to know any topics you’d like me to talk about. Is there anything you’d like to know?